This was simply gorgeous. So moving. Filled in the blanks for me in a way that is immensely satisfying.
I too have read many fics outlining this “missing scene” between Cordy and Wes. I find many of them to be excellent, yet none of them jives with my viewing of the situation. A lot of people seem to expect that Cordy should have said something to Wes. Indeed, that she should be judged negatively for not doing so. That she was obligated to confront him in some manner because of their friendship. I disagree – and I was puzzled when I came into fandom and saw this was a popular opinion. It hadn’t occurred to me, because I saw Cordelia’s actions as perfectly in character. She could not have confronted Wes. Cordelia could never have done this. Why? Because if she had allowed herself to talk to him, she would have forgiven him. And herself. Both would be a grievous betrayal of Angel .
Sounds a little crazy maybe, considering how everything played out. But it makes complete sense to me. She couldn’t forgive him – could not do that. He took her baby. Not just Angel’s. Hers. And he did so while she was gone on holiday, not paying attention. So it’s not just about being unable to confront Wesley – it’s about what she cannot deal with inside herself. She can’t forgive herself for leaving her baby to go play on the beach. She left him, and he was stolen away forever. What kind of a mother is she? She didn’t even have a vision about Connor’s abduction. What is she? How could she?
She understands completely why he did it - and that kills her because she shouldn’t understand. She shouldn’t get it. She shouldn’t still love him and feel his pain. She shouldn’t feel the guilt of it. But she does. Because she knows with utmost clarity what Angel is and what Wesley was trying to do. He was trying to save the innocent part of all of them from the monster. Does it matter that he was wrong, when it all comes down? Cordelia has sworn to destroy Angel if he’s ever a threat again. She loves him with everything but she would do it. She’s prepared to do this. How could she not understand that Wesley was prepared to do much, much worse to protect Connor? From her perspective, if she forgives him, then she might have to forgive herself for not being there. And no, that can never happen. She doesn't deserve forgiveness. She left Angel. She left Connor. When she came back they were both gone forever. Wesley took one and the other followed into oblivion. Unforgivable, all of it. So she stays mute. She lets Wes float out to sea so she can hold together what’s left of her family. Going to Wesley would mean forgiving him. Which would mean forgiving herself. Which would mean betraying Angel. Cordy would never betray Angel. She’d kill him long before it came to that. She promised him. She keeps her promises, until they are taken from her.
Thank you for this beautiful scene which gives such insight into Cordelia's choices.
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Date: 2010-11-15 11:56 pm (UTC)I too have read many fics outlining this “missing scene” between Cordy and Wes. I find many of them to be excellent, yet none of them jives with my viewing of the situation. A lot of people seem to expect that Cordy should have said something to Wes. Indeed, that she should be judged negatively for not doing so. That she was obligated to confront him in some manner because of their friendship. I disagree – and I was puzzled when I came into fandom and saw this was a popular opinion. It hadn’t occurred to me, because I saw Cordelia’s actions as perfectly in character. She could not have confronted Wes. Cordelia could never have done this. Why? Because if she had allowed herself to talk to him, she would have forgiven him. And herself. Both would be a grievous betrayal of Angel .
Sounds a little crazy maybe, considering how everything played out. But it makes complete sense to me. She couldn’t forgive him – could not do that. He took her baby. Not just Angel’s. Hers. And he did so while she was gone on holiday, not paying attention. So it’s not just about being unable to confront Wesley – it’s about what she cannot deal with inside herself. She can’t forgive herself for leaving her baby to go play on the beach. She left him, and he was stolen away forever. What kind of a mother is she? She didn’t even have a vision about Connor’s abduction. What is she? How could she?
She understands completely why he did it - and that kills her because she shouldn’t understand. She shouldn’t get it. She shouldn’t still love him and feel his pain. She shouldn’t feel the guilt of it. But she does. Because she knows with utmost clarity what Angel is and what Wesley was trying to do. He was trying to save the innocent part of all of them from the monster. Does it matter that he was wrong, when it all comes down? Cordelia has sworn to destroy Angel if he’s ever a threat again. She loves him with everything but she would do it. She’s prepared to do this. How could she not understand that Wesley was prepared to do much, much worse to protect Connor? From her perspective, if she forgives him, then she might have to forgive herself for not being there. And no, that can never happen. She doesn't deserve forgiveness. She left Angel. She left Connor. When she came back they were both gone forever. Wesley took one and the other followed into oblivion. Unforgivable, all of it. So she stays mute. She lets Wes float out to sea so she can hold together what’s left of her family. Going to Wesley would mean forgiving him. Which would mean forgiving herself. Which would mean betraying Angel. Cordy would never betray Angel. She’d kill him long before it came to that. She promised him. She keeps her promises, until they are taken from her.
Thank you for this beautiful scene which gives such insight into Cordelia's choices.