Fic Post

[samsom]

Title: An Unclaimed Bear
Author: Samsom
Rating: PG
Summary: She needs to make a choice before she goes into his room.
Disclaimer: Not mine. ME and Whedon own all.
Notes: There’s been some talk in the last few months (always a good thing), mourning the lack of closure or a confrontation between Wes and Cordy after Sleep Tight, and two very excellent fics giving them that scene. I never had a problem with Cordelia dropping Wesley so completely, and, as usual, the fic ‘voice’ began to talk while I was doing the dishes. Here’s my version of why she didn’t. Set during Double or Nothing, in the few minutes between Cordelia being told of Connor’s abduction and going into Angel’s room.

~~

She needs a few minutes.

She lets go of the doorknob of Angel’s door, and she goes further down the hallway and turns the corner.

Stopping, she leans against the wall and slides down the old wallpaper, her back pressing as she sits on her heels.

Connor.

Little baby.

She doesn’t know if she wishes he were dead or not. Those last few moments in Holtz’s clutch, crying for familiar arms, terrified at the bright lights and what must have been overwhelming sounds…

While she was off getting a bad haircut and a God-awful tan, having fun in the sun with Groo while Connor…

Did he last long? In that hell dimension? Did Holtz kill him or throw him to whatever animal might have been sliding by. Slow starvation? Torture?

Holtz was a broken and twisted soul. God knows what kind of ‘justice’ he felt Connor must have deserved, being Angel’s son.

But he wasn’t just Angel’s son.

Cordelia would never change the events of Connor’s birth, his conception, because both of those things, and everything in between, resulted in the most beautiful baby she’d ever held, ever seen.

She wouldn’t change a thing, but….she had a stake in that baby. He was hers, too. Maybe not of her body. She wouldn’t ever compare her loss to Angel’s.

But it is a loss to her.

She lost that warm, strong body in her arms, those smiles and that smell…

She catches a sob in the bottom of her throat as her eyes blur.

-that smell at the top of his head.

She lost that.

She never thought in terms of being a mother. She wasn’t.

But he was still hers.

And now he’s not.

Because of Wesley.

She immediately shies from the thought of him.

It hurts.

His doofus smile and his glasses that swallowed half his face and his not quite-innocent looks at Fred.

He did this. He put these events in motion.

She still can’t –

How?

Why?

WHY?

She bangs her head against the wall and thinks of Angel in the room behind her back.

There’s a black hole in the space between them.

She’s in the Before - before Connor was taken, before Angel tried to kill the man they both trusted with their lives, before Wesley did the worst thing one human being can do to another.

Angel is now in the After.

After Connor.

She doesn’t know how to bridge that space.

She does know that a choice is in front of her. To push down her own profound loss and get swallowed up by Angel’s. To be what he needs her to be, where he needs her.

When he needs her.

Whatever he needs.

Because she knows that if there was ever a time they could lose him, it would be now. The chasm she feels looming will swallow him whole

She needs to hang on to him, with both hands, as tight as she can, anyway she can.

And to do that, she needs to let go of Wesley.

So she does.

And, because of her own empty arms, and the teddy bear she brought back that will never be placed next to a slumbering, sweetly gurgling baby, it’s easier than she thought.

Like falling.

She takes a deep, cleansing breath and pushes up on the balls of her feet, straightening away from the wall.

Turning, she walks the short distance back to Angel’s door and turns the doorknob, entering.

~end~

Comments

[yazizzle33.livejournal.com]

This is so heartbreaking to me. :( I'm of those who thought there should've been a conversation or confrontation of sorts between Cordy and Wes. I absolutely think one was necessary given their history together, and even moreso when you consider that closeness and intimacy that developed after Angel fired them. Having said that, however, I think what you did here was quite beautiful. In a way, I can see Cordelia just making the choice to stick with Angel, to be there for him, and not going back on it. It's the kind of thing she would do, especially for him, and it rings true on some levels for me. And it makes me miss this show! Aww. :( Anyways, great job on the writing. I really did love it!

[samsom.livejournal.com]

given their history together, and even moreso when you consider that closeness and intimacy that developed after Angel fired them.

Now see, I think that closeness between them makes what Wesley did even worse. Without taking away from Angel's parental loss, Cordelia was as close to a mother as Connor had. She lost him too, and to find out that Wesley, her friend, was instrumental in Connor's abduction, would have been horrible to contemplate - especially since he didn't even try to call her with his suspicions. So in effect, he cut her off first, with his silence and his acting alone. He didn't give her a chance to intervene, to help, and to come up behind the most stupendous stupidest error in judgement in the history of the world and whine that his friends didn't give him a chance to explain....ARGGHH! I can see Cordelia thinking "he made his bed, he can lie in it. I have to save Angel or I'll lose him too." She made a choice, she chose Angel. Probably in part because Wes made his choice first, without her.

Thanks for reading. :)

[yazizzle33.livejournal.com]

That's interesting because I do agree, wholeheartedly, that what Wesley did made it even worse given their closeness. But it's because of the severity of it that I thought Cordelia would try to confront him somehow. Though I totally understand where you're coming from, even moreso given what you said about Wesley being the first one to make a choice. I hadn't really considered that, or taken into account the fact that he could've called. Ultimately, Wesley chose to isolate himself from the group and betray Angel, and, though I didn't necessarily agree with Cordy not doing anything in relation to Wesley, I can understand it and even like it. She did suffer a loss, almost as great as Angel's, and therefore made her choice too and you portrayed it beautifully.

[samsom.livejournal.com]

Thanks again. :)

I think maybe if the opportunity presented itself, like when she thought Willow was locked in the bookcage at the school and wanted to have a talk about 'the ethics of boyfriend-stealing', she'd tear a strip off of him. But I honestly didn't see her seeking him out. For her, this wasn't about getting closure or whatever with Wesly, it was about Angel. Only to Wesley was it about Wesley's manpain.

[yazizzle33.livejournal.com]

LOL Wesley's manpain!

Good point though. It would make sene that, had the opportunity presented itself, Cordelia would've taken the chance to cut Wesley a knew one. She probably would've told him to get over his manpain as well, and to face up to the facts of what happened. It's interesting to consider, and I absolutely wish we'd gotten a chance to see something of the sort. I alwayd did wish for more scenes dealing with Cordy's pain because I'm sure that she must've been hurt. Even if Connor wasn't biologically hers, I always felt she was a mother to him, and I think it was portrayed that way, so I thought they should've addressed that in the show somehow. But alas, they didn't. :(

[ever-neutral.livejournal.com]

See now, this is beautiful. I can totally buy it from your writing. And the idea of Cordy's loss being onne of a mother's is one I hadn't thought of before in great detail.

(My beef with it in canon is the way it's presented as a big blank space. We don't see Cordy's grief, like we see it in this fic; we just see her verbally choosing Angel over Wes. Not enough insight into her headspace. Plus, if she knew about Wes's concurrent near-death experiences, it was just shitty characterisation for her to seemingly not care that one of her best friends nearly died twice, *regardless* of him betraying them. I don't even blame Cordy for that, I just blame the writers.)

But really! This fic is lovely!

[samsom.livejournal.com]

Plus, if she knew about Wes's concurrent near-death experiences, it was just shitty characterisation for her to seemingly not care that one of her best friends nearly died twice, *regardless* of him betraying them.

See, my position was, this wasn't just a garden variety betrayal. Wesley was instrumental in Connor's abduction, through the worst error in judgement in the history of mankind. He caused Angel's son, an infant, to fall into Holtz's hands, in a hell dimension. Far from his father's love and care. That is literally a parent's worst damned nightmare. So the fact that he nearly died doing it? I think Cordelia would weigh Connor being trapped with a madman in a hell dimension against that and shrugging off Wesley's cut throat as a consequence of his choices. A choice he didn't give Cordelia or Angel. He unilaterally made a decision that effected everyone and he lost badly. It might be because I'm a parent, but I have zero sympathy for him in the aftermath and I totally get Cordelia cutting him off to focus on Angel.

All that being said, I totally agree with you about the writers not spending enough time in her headspace and showing why she made the decision she made. But that's AtS writers for you, too much time on dumbass storylines and not enough on character exploration. *sigh*

Thanks for reading. :)

[ever-neutral.livejournal.com]

Wow. See, yeah, as a person who's been alienated from my family, I completely sympathize with Wesley. That doesn't negate sympathy for Angel though. I find Angel and Cordy's treatment of Wes entirely understandable. But I definitely don't think Wes is undeserving of sympathy. Until Lilah shows up, he has literally no support system. That's a pretty terrible place to be. And I can't turn off my sympathy because "he brought it on himself", ergo being alone is "what he deserves", because it feels cruel. He made a colossal mistake - but that doesn't mean that he deserved to have his throat slit, or to have Angel nearly kill him. Especially since he got into that situation motivated by fear for Connor's safety. There's no denying he fucked up to a catastrophic degree, but I don't think anybody can argue that he did it because he didn't care. For the team to disregard that, it gives the impression that they're the ones who don't care. I mean, Angel and Gunn and Fred are reacting the way they do out of anger, which is appropriate, so it's really Cordy's characterisation that I can't grok. Basically my beef in late S3 is that I get the impression that even after years of working beside Wes, she just does. not. care. Which, I don't buy. You don't stop caring about a family member because they fuck up or betray you. It would take considerable mental effort. Which we weren't privy to, hence my beef. (And if it really was that easy for Cordy, that can only mean that she just never cared that much in the first place, which is hardly flattering.)

P.S. Apologies if I sound super preachy in this comment, I'm actually just thinking out loud about the situation and why it bothers me. Your viewpoint is one I appreciate too.

[samsom.livejournal.com]

Not preachy at all. :)

I think she does care about Wesley but she walked into a clusterfuck of a situation, and she triaged it. Until teen!Connor jumped back through the portal, Angel was hanging by a fingernail, and she chose to care for Angel. It may seem like she didn't need to *choose* but maybe she felt like she did. There's actually a really great trilogy fanfic written by Julie Fortune (who is actually Rachel Caine of The Morganville Vampires fame) that deals with this in such depth and degree that I am in *awe* of it. I could throw you a link if you want. It's C/A but also W/C and she writes it beautifully.

I agree though, that the show didn't spend nearly enough time getting into Cordy's POV and this was about the time CC started to have a lot of problems with Joss Whedon, so maybe they didn't feel they needed to. We'll never see the inner workings of her grief and feelings of betrayal but I want to trust that they are there. That's what motivated me to write this - well, that and the stupid "fic voice" in my head that goes off when I'm zoning out - I wanted to explore what her thinking might have been.

As for Wesley himself....I blame the writers for my lack of sympathy for him. I remember watching the scene where he's eating that pathetic TV dinner with that glass of wine all by himself and I got so angry at the show for setting it up that way. They were angling me to sympathize with him, and they used what he did to make him some sort of turtleneck-wearing Byronesque lone ranger carrying a load of manpain around and it just irked me. He didn't sell Angel out to the Watcher's Council for all the right reasons, he didn't have Faith killed to restore the slayer line to someone more sane, he stole - abducted - an infant child who was not his. That's what I can't get around.

And don't take this to mean that I hate Wesley. I love my Fang Gang, even during their worst moments. I just totally hate the direction his character went in with this arc.

[ever-neutral.livejournal.com]

she chose to care for Angel. It may seem like she didn't need to *choose* but maybe she felt like she did.

Yeah see this is what I intuited as well, but yeah. I expect MOAR, SHOW.

Oh, that trilogy sounds cool. Linkiness would be appreciated! :)

I blame the writers for my lack of sympathy for him. I remember watching the scene where he's eating that pathetic TV dinner with that glass of wine all by himself and I got so angry at the show for setting it up that way. They were angling me to sympathize with him, and they used what he did to make him some sort of turtleneck-wearing Byronesque lone ranger carrying a load of manpain around and it just irked me.

lol. Yeah, no, I'm familiar with this argument. But your comment has actually shed light on something for me. I think there's very different interpretations of Wesley's arc going on? Because when I watch those scenes you talk about, I don't get the impression that we're supposed to sympathize with him because he's such an innocent woobie whom the world has done wrong; I think we're supposed to sympathise with him despite how badly he's fucked up, because we all fuck up, and we all know what it is to be an outsider. I think Wesley's arc from this point is about being in that position where you might not be deserving of forgiveness. (Which, hello show what are you about.) And he deals with it quite badly. So I do sympathise with him a ton in this period, but I'm not seeing his self-centered behaviour as something the show is condoning. The writers do seem to glamourize and favour him, but that's not something I'm blaming Wesley for. (Wesley-the-imaginary-person is actually operating on the opposite belief!)

If it interests you, I'm actually in the process of writing a big meta on Wesley's character at the moment, particularly about what's going on with him at this point of the series, and which I hope will explain it better. :)

[aerintine.livejournal.com]

I really love your thoughts here. I am so looking forward to your meta!

[ever-neutral.livejournal.com]

♥

[samsom.livejournal.com]

I agree with you, I don't think the show was making him out to be a wronged woobie. But wanting me to sympathize with him despite how horribly he fucked up wasn't any better in my eyes. I wasn't ready to, I think, and the show setting it up that way didn't help. Because you know what? I did feel sorry for him, and I think that's why I had such a pissy reaction. I didn't want to, and I was, just a little, lol. Stupid writers. *grumble*

Anyway, the trilogy is by Julie Fortune, Slightly Darker Than Black, Burn, The Dead Church...I think you'll really like them because they are as Wesley-centric as Cordelia and Angel.

The first two are here:

http://web.archive.org/web/20030715173458/http://home.comcast.net/~juliefortune/ANGEL.HTM

And the third and final part is here:

http://www.stranger-things.net/justfic/index/j/juliefortune/deadchurch.htm

[ever-neutral.livejournal.com]

I wasn't ready to, I think, and the show setting it up that way didn't help. Because you know what? I did feel sorry for him, and I think that's why I had such a pissy reaction.

lol! Yeah, I definitely get what you mean. I'd imagine this is TOTALLY what Cordy and Gunn and Fred were all feeling too. These characters, man. They're like relatives. ♥

Thank you so much! I will definitely get to those. :D

[aerintine.livejournal.com]

I would like to second the request for a link to this fic :).

[samsom.livejournal.com]

See my reply above.

I almost envy you, because you're reading them for the first time. lol

[landrews.livejournal.com]

Awesome! You chose a really great moment for that decision in her life. I get it. This is one of those fics that mean I'm now never gonna remember if this moment is canon or fanon :-)

[samsom.livejournal.com]

Aww, thanks bb. :) I generally leave this story arc alone because I wasn't crazy about the writers adding a baby to the mix, but *sigh* with the recent talk about it, I just had to be obnoxious and add my two cents. Glad you could buy it. :)

[melissa-pbfan.livejournal.com]

That was heartbreaking but I was really happy to read it. I was really disappointed not to see Cordy's reaction or should I say grief on the show. Of course, she sided with Angel and was strong for him but I always felt it missed something. Mainly because the way she was portrayed, I saw Cordelia as Connor's mom. It would have been nice to have a scene where we see her dealing with that.

So thank you for writing this.

[samsom.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, I don't think the show was all that interested in showing Connor's abduction as Cordelia's loss. This show....I love it....but it has this craptastic tendency to push the woman's story to the sidelines while it glorifies the male story. Arrgh.

Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. Thank you for reading. :)

[aerintine.livejournal.com]

This was simply gorgeous. So moving. Filled in the blanks for me in a way that is immensely satisfying.

I too have read many fics outlining this “missing scene” between Cordy and Wes. I find many of them to be excellent, yet none of them jives with my viewing of the situation. A lot of people seem to expect that Cordy should have said something to Wes. Indeed, that she should be judged negatively for not doing so. That she was obligated to confront him in some manner because of their friendship. I disagree – and I was puzzled when I came into fandom and saw this was a popular opinion. It hadn’t occurred to me, because I saw Cordelia’s actions as perfectly in character. She could not have confronted Wes. Cordelia could never have done this. Why? Because if she had allowed herself to talk to him, she would have forgiven him. And herself. Both would be a grievous betrayal of Angel .

Sounds a little crazy maybe, considering how everything played out. But it makes complete sense to me. She couldn’t forgive him – could not do that. He took her baby. Not just Angel’s. Hers. And he did so while she was gone on holiday, not paying attention. So it’s not just about being unable to confront Wesley – it’s about what she cannot deal with inside herself. She can’t forgive herself for leaving her baby to go play on the beach. She left him, and he was stolen away forever. What kind of a mother is she? She didn’t even have a vision about Connor’s abduction. What is she? How could she?

She understands completely why he did it - and that kills her because she shouldn’t understand. She shouldn’t get it. She shouldn’t still love him and feel his pain. She shouldn’t feel the guilt of it. But she does. Because she knows with utmost clarity what Angel is and what Wesley was trying to do. He was trying to save the innocent part of all of them from the monster. Does it matter that he was wrong, when it all comes down? Cordelia has sworn to destroy Angel if he’s ever a threat again. She loves him with everything but she would do it. She’s prepared to do this. How could she not understand that Wesley was prepared to do much, much worse to protect Connor? From her perspective, if she forgives him, then she might have to forgive herself for not being there. And no, that can never happen. She doesn't deserve forgiveness. She left Angel. She left Connor. When she came back they were both gone forever. Wesley took one and the other followed into oblivion. Unforgivable, all of it. So she stays mute. She lets Wes float out to sea so she can hold together what’s left of her family. Going to Wesley would mean forgiving him. Which would mean forgiving herself. Which would mean betraying Angel. Cordy would never betray Angel. She’d kill him long before it came to that. She promised him. She keeps her promises, until they are taken from her.

Thank you for this beautiful scene which gives such insight into Cordelia's choices.

[ever-neutral.livejournal.com]

Cordelia could never have done this. Why? Because if she had allowed herself to talk to him, she would have forgiven him. And herself. Both would be a grievous betrayal of Angel .

YES.

ALL YOUR THOUGHTS HERE. ALL OF THEM. This is actually completely how I view the situation too, and like you, I've never held it against Cordy for not going to speak to Wes - but I do bemoan the lack of insight about why she didn't. The writers were really prioritising Wes and Angel's internal pain in this period, which.. is understandable. But I feel like every other character got shafted a little for those two, which just leads to fandom resentment, which leads to fandom being stressful... Yeah.

[aerintine.livejournal.com]

I do bemoan the lack of insight about why she didn't. The writers were really prioritising Wes and Angel's internal pain in this period, which.. is understandable. But I feel like every other character got shafted a little for those two

Oh, yes. Absolutely. There are writing mistakes in this show which aren't easily reconcilable. It's such a shame. Why should we have to go to such lengths to draw the conclusions we do? We really shouldn't have to, but we're forced to. It makes me sad for all the characters because WHY, SHOW? WHY?

[ever-neutral.livejournal.com]

IT HURTSES US. AND IT ENJOYS IT.

[samsom.livejournal.com]

Stupid show. Stupid writers.

[samsom.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

And that's an interesting line of thought I hadn't considered. I think that probably did have to do with her need to cut Wesley completely out of the picture, because she would see it as a betrayal of Angel. And she was probably afraid to put a real face on Wesley's actions, and seeing him might do that.

It might have been that when all was said and done, if things had gone differently that season, she would have gone to see him. To tear a strip off of his hide and knock down his self-pity, and then hug him. I could see it either way, I think.

[aerintine.livejournal.com]

It might have been that when all was said and done, if things had gone differently that season, she would have gone to see him. To tear a strip off of his hide and knock down his self-pity, and then hug him. I could see it either way, I think.

Yes I can see this too. If things had gone differently. "If things had gone differently" is the refrain of fic, to be sure. Oh, show. *sigh*

[xlivvielockex.livejournal.com]

There you go again, writing just a beautiful fic. I swear, if I had to name your superpower, writing amazing fic would be it for sure. I really love the way you got into her headspace, the way you described it in terms of before Connor and after Connor. It was nice to actually see the grief Cordelia must have felt. For Angel, it was such a profound loss because he never thought he would have a son but for Cordelia, Connor comes before she is demonized, when she was DYING. So like Angel, Connor might have been her only chance to be a mother. And I think she had that kind of maternal instinct back in Sunnydale, it was just so repressed because of her status. It's just like, did the writers not realize that she would be hurting as much as Angel? I would have loved to see more of an exploration of her grief, her loss, because we know she has lost so much in her life and she keeps going. I just...I can't imagine being that strong.

And sorry I word vomited all over. I'm in a mood.

[samsom.livejournal.com]

Thanks, bb. Thanks so much for reading, and for the word vomit. :P

You and I both know the show was not interested in exploring Cordelia's feelings, those bastards. They'd much rather be putting her in a doo-rag and making a sandwich. Whatever. That's why we're here - to fill in all those blank spaces and gaps with as much fic as we can stuff fandom with. Because you know they were there. That woman was Connor's maternal figure, she bonded with him, fed and clothed and rocked and held him. How could she not have felt his loss on a personal scale? Not just because he was Angel's son and she loves Angel but because she loved that baby as her own.

*sniff*